What in the dribbling annals of fucketry is this? Kraken-lovers, be warned; there’s not much humour in the following post. In fact, right now, I am shit out of humour. See, I was fancying a quiet morning with a sippy-cup of coffee on Saturday, until I had something so heinous waggled under my nose that I had to accessorise said coffee with three fingers of rum. In fact I haven’t stopped clinging on to Cap’n Morgan since. Thank the t-shirts sold on Amazon, by a company called Solid Gold Bomb, that have a message on the front reading – deep, slow breath – “Keep calm and hit her”.
No, I’m not making that up. In fact by the time I’d been alerted to this page on the site of the world’s most popular internet retailers yet another t-shirt reading “Keep calm and rape a lot” had appeared before disappearing again. No doubt it was yanked as hard as the todgers of the blokes who came up with it.
Fuck. Me. No, that’s not another t-shirt slogan, that’s about all I could manage when I first clapped eyes on this festering ball-bag of alleged humour. Thing is that since then I’ve been alerted to a couple of blogs which describe how said t-shirts ended up on the Amazon site, citing anything from technical glitches to human error. Even Solid Gold Bomb said that this was an error and apologises for any upset it caused.
And you know what? I really don’t give a flying fuck about how these images ended up on Amazon. In fact I fact I give more of a flying fuck about whether Justin Bieber has started growing pubes. What I give a real flying fuck about, though, is how this gimp-infested incident comes at the end of a week when I’ve seen an unofficial Aston Martin ad which suggests shagging a ‘used’ woman, I’ve had men send me abusive messages for not enjoying said ad and I’ve written about Paperchase selling greeting cards that read “Suck my dick” and “Your hole is my goal”. And all this when the news is stuffed with Seth MacFarlane using the Oscars to sing a song called “We saw your boobs”, an effort which celebrated seeing breasts in rape scenes, and when the leader of the Lib Dems is embroiled in a sex scandal involving one of his senior members inappropriately touching several women.
Which is why the just-a-one-off bollocks about these t-shirts is just that: bollocks. Big, pavement-scuffed bollocks. ‘Cos to women it is not just a one off, is it? It’s yet another one-off on top of a thousand other one-offs which, together, create a problem roughly the size of Neptune.
So imagine the women of Twitter shrieking over an ad for a big car being driven by a man with a microscopic penis? Or Paperchase selling cards reading “I’d rather my frock to your cock”, or Seth MacFarlane singing an Oscars song called, “We saw your cheesy peen!”? And imagine a t-shirt reading “Keep calm and stab the bastard” or “Keep Calm and shred his knackers”. Well that ‘what if’ is as likely as David Cameron donating the contents of his pantry to a foodbank. It wouldn’t happen and certainly not with the intensity with which women have to put up with the spaffly jibes we’ve seen of late.
So no, Solid Gold Bomb, this as sure as shit is not just a one-off incident. It’s yet another incident. You can view it in isolation if you like but, as a woman, I view it as yet another assault on my gender. Whether it exists or not, this t-shirt will lay heavily across women’s shoulders for a long time to come.
What do you think? Do I have a point or do I need to be shagged properly, as one Tweeter suggested last week? You know where to find the comment box, darlings…