Want to know something, kraken-lovers? When I first saw the subject of today’s post I almost shat out my own teeth, such was my arse-tearing hysteria. In fact, it took me an hour to form that first sentence there. Seriously, I beg you – on bended knee – to check out what I am about to show you, not least because I need witnesses to prove that I haven’t become delusional. Ready? Really? Ok then, gird yourselves because today I give you… wigs for babies.
I shit you not. Wigs. For. Babies. The site is called Baby Bangs! and its tagline is made just for little girls and it comes with a further slogan that says… hold on, I need to breathe into my paper bag again…I’m not a boy! That’s because it’s flogging a “hair and band accessory combination that allows baby girls (with little or no hair at all) the opportunity to have a beautifully realistic hair style in a snap!!” All of this distilled shittery-pokery is accompanied with pictures of infants before and after their noggins have been graced with what can only be described as the type of cranial roadkill that Phil Spector favoured during his murder trial.
Worse – I know, I know I can barely believe it either – the site declares its philosophy thus: “At Baby Bangs! we believe in the beauty of childhood. Our unique designs are sprinkled with magic, inspiring a world of whimsical wonder and mystical magical memorable moments for you and your baby girl to cherish forever! For she is, and always will be, your little princess.”
What in the perpetual embogglement of fuck? At what point does believing in the beauty of childhood translate itself into making said children resemble these badly stuffed animals? Surely to shit if you think babies are beautiful you’re not going to try to make them look as if they’ve been cloned from the DNA of woolly mammoths. Seriously, at what point did these people see female infants only to declare, “Hmm, there’s something missing…” before draping them with man-made fibres, like tiny, nappy-waggling versions of Nicki Minaj?
And I’ll be utterly fucked if I know why they are panic stricken at the thought of female babies being mistaken for males. Yeah, if King Herod was once again embarking upon the Massacre of the Innocents and slaughtering every boy he could find I’d understand the urge to make your kids look like Barbara Cartland. Thing is, this isn’t a biblical catastrophe, it’s the 21st fucking Century. Just how hung up on your bald girl being mistaken for a bald boy do you have to be?
The site even croons that these hairy beasts are “sure to grab comments from family, friends and even strangers!” No shit. If I was confronted by a be-wigged baby as I ambled through Tesco I’d fucking well comment as well although said comments would swap the words ‘beautiful’ and ‘stylish’ with ‘police’ and ‘My eyes! My eyes!’.
For shit’s sake, babies are supposed to be bald. Even those babies who come out the womb with a mop on their bonce look like feral cats. At no point have I seen a baby emerge from an exploded foof with such perfectly sleek and shiny hair that you could see your teeth reflected in it. Apart from which, how in the frig do you explain this to your teenage daughter when you look back at the pics from her youth? Do you tell her that her ugliness staggered you so much that you felt compelled to make her look like a coughed-up furball?
Look, when she was born Kraken Junior had such fine, fair hair that she looked like a boiled egg for the first 18 months of her life and I can honestly say that at no moment did I give a flying fuck about whether other people thought she was male or female. In fact, at one point Conjugal Kraken started telling people who called her ‘he’ that ‘his’ name was Alan.
So no. Just no. Putting a wig on a baby is like trying to wrap Paris in a kaftan. It’s beautiful enough, thanks, it doesn’t need anyone to twat about with it. In fact, the balder the baby, the more beautiful it is. It means you can see its saucer-like eyes and smell its bread-like head. That’s got to be more beautiful than looking like you’ve been savaged by a dog, right? And to the dogs is exactly where I’d like to chuck these Baby Bangs.