Hair Raising

baby wig2

Want to know something, kraken-lovers? When I first saw the subject of today’s post I almost shat out my own teeth, such was my arse-tearing hysteria. In fact, it took me an hour to form that first sentence there. Seriously, I beg you – on bended knee – to check out what I am about to show you, not least because I need witnesses to prove that I haven’t become delusional. Ready? Really? Ok then, gird yourselves because today I give you… wigs for babies.

I shit you not. Wigs. For. Babies. The site is called Baby Bangs! and its tagline is made just for little girls and it comes with a further slogan that says… hold on, I need to breathe into my paper bag again…I’m not a boy! That’s because it’s flogging a “hair and band accessory combination that allows baby girls (with little or no hair at all) the opportunity to have a beautifully realistic hair style in a snap!!” All of this distilled shittery-pokery is accompanied with pictures of infants before and after their noggins have been graced with what can only be described as the type of cranial roadkill that Phil Spector favoured during his murder trial.

Worse – I know, I know I can barely believe it either – the site declares its philosophy thus: “At Baby Bangs! we believe in the beauty of childhood. Our unique designs are sprinkled with magic, inspiring a world of whimsical wonder and mystical magical memorable moments for you and your baby girl to cherish forever! For she is, and always will be, your little princess.”

What in the perpetual embogglement of fuck? At what point does believing in the beauty of childhood translate itself into making said children resemble these badly stuffed animals? Surely to shit if you think babies are beautiful you’re not going to try to make them look as if they’ve been cloned from the DNA of woolly mammoths. Seriously, at what point did these people see female infants only to declare, “Hmm, there’s something missing…” before draping them with man-made fibres, like tiny, nappy-waggling versions of Nicki Minaj?

And I’ll be utterly fucked if I know why they are panic stricken at the thought of female babies being mistaken for males. Yeah, if King Herod was once again embarking upon the Massacre of the Innocents and slaughtering every boy he could find I’d understand the urge to make your kids look like Barbara Cartland. Thing is, this isn’t a biblical catastrophe, it’s the 21st fucking Century. Just how hung up on your bald girl being mistaken for a bald boy do you have to be?

The site even croons that these hairy beasts are “sure to grab comments from family, friends and even strangers!” No shit. If I was confronted by a be-wigged baby as I ambled through Tesco I’d fucking well comment as well although said comments would swap the words ‘beautiful’ and ‘stylish’ with ‘police’ and ‘My eyes! My eyes!’.

For shit’s sake, babies are supposed to be bald. Even those babies who come out the womb with a mop on their bonce look like feral cats. At no point have I seen a baby emerge from an exploded foof with such perfectly sleek and shiny hair that you could see your teeth reflected in it. Apart from which, how in the frig do you explain this to your teenage daughter when you look back at the pics from her youth? Do you tell her that her ugliness staggered you so much that you felt compelled to make her look like a coughed-up furball?

Look, when she was born Kraken Junior had such fine, fair hair that she looked like a boiled egg for the first 18 months of her life and I can honestly say that at no moment did I give a flying fuck about whether other people thought she was male or female. In fact, at one point Conjugal Kraken started telling people who called her ‘he’ that ‘his’ name was Alan.

So no. Just no. Putting a wig on a baby is like trying to wrap Paris in a kaftan. It’s beautiful enough, thanks, it doesn’t need anyone to twat about with it. In fact, the balder the baby, the more beautiful it is. It means you can see its saucer-like eyes and smell its bread-like head. That’s got to be more beautiful than looking like you’ve been savaged by a dog, right? And to the dogs is exactly where I’d like to chuck these Baby Bangs.

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23 Responses to Hair Raising

  1. Guinea Pig says:

    Ugh.

    The only comfort and pleasure I can take from this is that on their “about” page:

    http://baby-bangs.com/about.php

    It looks like the word “f*Hair*y” is a swear word because of the asterixes.

    • The Kraken says:

      I tell you what, their use of fonts and capital letters is enough to make me need a stiff drink too.

  2. Rose says:

    “And I’ll be utterly fucked if I know why they are panic stricken at the thought of female babies being mistaken for males”

    That.

    And if this shits you watch an episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras”. I dare you.

    • The Kraken says:

      Oh, I’ve seen snippets of that and have had to turn away because I’d become insensible if I watched it all. God knows, that’s an entire blog not a single post.

  3. Andy says:

    That baby reminds me of Paul Daniels.

  4. Judi Sutherland says:

    Fake tits and lipstick, next.

  5. Disobedient Child says:

    Wow. Just, wow. Both my babies were bald until almost 3yrs old. Did they repulse me so much I needed to wig them? Jeez. My girl was bald with a stare like Wednesday Addams, yet my boy was bald with such huge blue eyes I worried I’d read too much manga whilst pregnant. Well done Baby Bangs for financially exploiting parental insecurity, and making sure everybody knows that the natural awesomeness of babies is NOT ENOUGH to make you like them.

    • The Kraken says:

      Darling, you said it! Because the natural awesomeness of babies is never quite awesome enough is it?

    • Guinea Pig says:

      “… the natural awesomeness of babies …”

      I’m stealing this :D

      I don’t have babies of my own. I don’t want any. But babies ARE awesome!

    • h jacobs says:

      “My girl was bald with a stare like Wednesday Addams”

      har har – my sister was exactly like that too!
      Bald as a cueball until she was about 3, black-eyed glare and pointy ears – we thought she was an alien to be honest!

  6. Karen Little says:

    For fuck stuttering cunt fuckery sakes, what effing mentalist produced this damn awful idea?!! If you can’t see the beauty of a baby then get the fuck away from them and stop putting your perverted hang ups on them. I am venting so much my spleen has left my body

  7. Lynchie says:

    That child in the screen grab looks like a ginger Hitler, minus the ‘tache. Why would you do this? Why do we want babies that look like Hitler?

    • Sceptical Mum says:

      ‘Why do we want babies that look like Hitler?’

      Possibly the best comment ever written. I am in pain trying to hold in the giggles so I don’t wake my son

  8. Joan says:

    The baby wig idea is repulsive, and I wonder how flammable the little head squirrels are.
    But without a doubt the best part of this whole post is the out of this world hyperbole from the blogger and the commenters!!!

    ‘When I first saw the subject of today’s post I almost shat out my own teeth, such was my arse-tearing hysteria -”
    “What in the perpetual embogglement of fuck?”
    “For fuck stuttering cunt fuckery sakes, what effing mentalist produced this damn awful idea?!! -”

    I need to work these into my vocabulary somehow. Thanks for the inspiration!

  9. Becky Cowley says:

    My girl was bald for a good 2 years of her life! Funnily enough I never thought about a baby wig!
    Also not sure these people have toddlers! Have they ever tried getting them to keep a sun hat on never mind a wig! No chance!

  10. John Allen says:

    “What in the perpetual embogglement of fuck?” has now become my favorite phrase.

  11. Sceptical Mum says:

    Bloody hell. There are no words.

  12. Annabella says:

    I agree with everything you said!

    On another note thank you for confirming that babies bald heads smell like freshly baked loaves. I don’t have children of my own but I always love to snuffle my friends/cousins children because they smell so good!

  13. Emma says:

    As an ex-Bald Baby, I’d like to comment. I had no hair until I was 3. None at all. I was a bridesmaid at my aunt’s wedding aged 2, and the photos show me in a long floral frock (this was 1976) carrying a tiny knot of flowers, wearing pink satin slippers – and bald as an egg up top. When I started school aged 4, I’d managed to produce a short bob, of the kind now found on hip European film stars (Franka Potente, for example), but obviously I wanted the waist-length waves that my best friend had by the same age.

    HOWEVER! Despite the egghead wedding photos, despite the hair-envy of my first 10 years, and despite the embarrassment of having to answer “Why don’t you grow your hair long?” (this was nearly 40 years ago. Girls had long hair, boys had sideburns) with “This is as long as it’s got!”, I look at the photos of the poor orange Hitler head and I can honestly say that I’m now, Glad I Was Bald.

  14. hilhairious says:

    all I see is a choking hazard. (yes, for viewer and wearer :-)

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