Right, you lot had better prepare yourselves. You know how I’ve been leaking bile since you met me? Well that’s changing for one day only. See, I’m actually in the festive spirit (I thought it was just wind for a mo) and that means I’m going to write nothing but indulgent loveliness. I know, I barely recognise me either. My therapist says it’ll pass.
So seeing as I’ll be retreating into my cave with Conjugal Kraken, Kraken Junior and Ma n Pa Kraken until January 2 this is my chance to slobber over and take the piss out of all of you who have supported me since my website was unleashed. Fuck knows, I’ll probably miss a load of people out and commit some social faux pas on a level with attending a funeral dressed as Uncle Tobermory but hey.
So first, I have got to holler an enormous thank you to everyone who has followed me on Twitter because without you my blog would be the equivalent of me drunkenly shouting at pigeons in a bus station while I stink of piss. You lot not only have impeccable taste by enjoying my tweets but I also applaud your ability to let me prattle on without alerting the relevant authorities. Your patience and generosity have been noted.
Mind you, there are a couple of Twatters who deserve more specific thanks/ abuse. First Claire @ministryofmum, because you make me feel as if I’m not entirely alone for thinking that my child has been personally constructed by Ming the Merciless.
Which leads me to the glorious Spencer or @SAHDandproud, because your tweets make me smile every single day and on occasion I even spaff out of my own nose (as opposed to someone else’s). You also helpsme walk the black dog. I’m chuffed that I found you in the Twitter wilderness.
I’ve also gotta holla for @Mammasaurus for having a womb that’s more productive than my entire body and @daftmamma for just being bloody lovely. And as for the angels who RT me so often that they should be asking me for commission, I have to thank @Parsnip45, @zaichishka, @louisebolotin and @MrParsley.
Course, one or too naive darlings have asked me to write for them in the last few months so in a massive display of sucky uppyness I want to lick the faces of @inthepowderroom, @ohnolilyrae, @tamsinkelly, @vagendamagazine and @joannemallon.
Last of all, a fat thanks to Louise Bolotin, Lucy Whitfield and Andy Harris for venting their own spleens by writing ranty posts for me. Seriously, you almost out-krakened The Kraken. I actually shat myself there for a mo. You can probably smell that from there.
And if I didn’t mention you, what can I say? How about an enormous sorry and the promise to do better next Christmas.
So I hope you all have the Christmas you want whether it’s being stripped naked and rolled in chestnut stuffing while champagne pours from your ears or whether it’s just peaceful and a relief that it’s all over for another fucking year.
Thank you for giving me a little corner of the world where I can be who I really am. I appreciate it every day.
Now, sod off and let’s never speak of this niceness again, right? Right.