White Out

Fancy a cuppa?

Look, I know Mothers’ Day is racing towards us like a doilie-festooned express train, but I am starting to go bug-eyed at what the nation’s retailers thinks women want for their endless parental efforts. And thanks to the lovely Allie Dickinson I have now been exposed to the festering efforts of White Stuff. Yes, in its race to hoik up its profits before the end of the financial year White Stuff has grabbed the UK’s mothers and thrown them under the bus like menstruating roadkill.

See, White Stuff is pimping the following items as appropriate Mothers’ Day presents in a press release: an embroidered t-shirt, Earl-Grey flavoured lip balm, a heart necklace, a book about baking, spring scarves, a bag for “mum’s stuff”, soap and a top with a “ditsy bug and leaf print”. Oh, and if you grab your mother by the scruff and drag her into White Stuff on the Mothers’ Day weekend they will give her a “nice cup of tea” and free hand cream. Worse, because it can always get worse, the entire press release is a thousand different shades of pink. It’s like staring into a dilated cervix.

Is White Stuff having us the fuck on? See, because unless it is officially still operating as if it were 1963 I’m going to hang on to my sanity by assuming that the store is selling this stuff ironically. The problem is that it’s not, though, is it? Instead it is genuinely selling stuff that doesn’t embrace the mothering stereotype so much as grab its arse and ask it for a shag.

Seriously, I don’t know a single woman who would want any of this calamitous tat for Mothers’ Day. That’s because all the mothers I know buy cake from Tesco, wear scarves with skull designs, swig triple shot coffee and would rather die than wash their faces with a bar of soap. They have as much room in their lives for “ditsy” designs, tea-tasting lip-balm and embroidered t-shirts as the last Pope had for openly gay men.

And what in the fuck is with this misguided notion that all mothers like to drink tea? Oh, and not just drink tea now n then, mind you, but drink it to the point that they would actually die without it, like an oxygen-starved Neil Armstrong floating through space. Worse, at what point does White Stuff think that modern women need to have tea bought for them. You can buy a packet of Glen-fucking-gettie in the local Spar. Believe me, even if the entire female gender were to adore tea they wouldn’t wait to be gifted it on bloody Mothers Day.

See, I have no real idea who these gifts are aimed at. I’m assuming that White Stuff has a demographic chart in one of its meeting rooms which includes women warming slippers and ironing copies of The London Times for their men. I suspect said chart also includes pictures of said woman gently chiding her dirty-kneed sons for scuffing their shoes and taking her tiny daughter to task for smudging the lace ruff of her Sunday dress. In fact, if you were to sneak in and introduce a photo of a mother with blue nails, a biker jacket, a love of Eric Hobsbawm and a stellar career in brain surgery a sinkhole would probably open up in the floor, sucking the entire organisation into it.

And yeah, some women may be chuffed to shit with lip balm that’s been made by the P G Tips monkeys but the problem is that White Stuff isn’t frigging alone. Allie Dickinson also alerted me to a press release from Firebox, suggesting that you buy the egg-dispensing women you call mum a teapot brooch, a mug, a knitting kit, a tea-infuser, placemats or a chocolate face mask. I know. It’s like the WI on crack.

So if I were to be gifted with any of these things on Mothers’ Day morn I would actually want to be thrown under a bus like menstruating roadkill. In fact, I would throw myself under said bus. Still, I dare say I could always be revived by a rejuvenating cup of bloody tea. Save a bag for me, White Stuff, save a bag for me.

What do you think? Are you just dying for more tea for Mothers’ day or do you want something a little more 21st Century. You know you want to tell me…

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8 Responses to White Out

  1. Andy says:

    Not sure if this balances things out but I received an email this week insisting that the perfect Mother’s Day gift was a ticket to see Harlequins v. Bath.

  2. Nanaya says:

    Bit conflicted about the concept of Earl Grey lip balm cos I really like bergamot. But I think I’d rather be put in a bag & boiled myself than engage with any of that other sub-Etsy twee fuckery.

  3. Rootietoot says:

    So what DO you want for Mother’s Day? I want a perfectly grilled steak and that gorgeous engraved genuine 1889 Colt revolver I saw at the gun store last week. It has real bone grips and providence papers that it belonged to a US Marshal. (I’m a collector) I won’t get it because it costs as much as a car but there it is. Fortunately all my children are males and would get cooties from sweet gifts.

  4. Alicia says:

    I used to work with a woman who fucking LOVED that shop. Bought all her sheets there. She lives in Dulwich and is worried that her only child might have to go to the local school.

  5. I saw an advert with the inevitable tagline ‘the perfect gift for Mother’s Day’ and nearly spat my lunch out. It was an advert for an electrical scraper for the hard skin on the bottom of your feet. If I bought that for my mother for Mothering Sunday (as she insists on calling it, Mother’s Day is too American) she’d throw it at me then use it to sand the skin off my face. Who is buying their mothers high speed feet sanding belts for Mother’s Day and living to tell the tale????

  6. Annabel, Yorkshire says:

    I love my mum. She is the best. She is funny, and clever and so interesting and she knows so much stuff about all sorts. She cracks me up.
    I love everything about her. She is my favourite person in the entire world.
    She does all sorts, everyday she upto something new, she drives 3 or 4 different vehicles, knows the Latin names of all the plants, cooks the most amazing puddings, knows everything about acids and alkalines, she can drive motorbikes, sew, she made the stools in our kitchen, she has wallpapered all our relatives houses, she has more A levels than I do, she wears a ridiculous amount of jewellery, she’s really good at cards as her nana used to do competitions, she does charity work, she’s an EBay addict and fishes things out of skips and dumps, but actually she is obsessed with tea, we both are! When i’m home we average 10 cups a day.
    Ah she’s the best. She cracks me up. My best friend, she only ever wants a nice card for Mothering Sunday.

  7. Hairbear says:

    Gin is the thing for Mothers Day (no, I didn’t get any) it’s the only thing to take the edge of my children’s borderline mania at being forced to behave because it’s Mother’s Day, and having to spend time with the witch that spawned my husband!

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