The Claim Game


Kraken lovers, if there was ever a time to gird yourselves, this is it. You see yesterday, on Twitter, I was faced with a post of such vile, grasping, scum-sucking proportions that I actually screen grabbed it for your personal delight and delectation. And for once it wasn’t one of my usual screengrabs (in other words a screengrab of a random man telling me that my fight for equal rights deems me worthy of arse rape). Instead is was a screengrab of a promoted post by Hansard twiddlers Injury Claim UK (deep breath) encouraging parents to claim for injuries their child has had at school or nursery. I shit you not. Now, readers, would be a good time for you to scrub yourselves in the shower with caustic soda.

You want more detail? You’ve got it. The ad (which you can see at the top of this post) reads, “Was your child injured at school or nursery? Find out how to claim compensation for serious injuries here!” Then overlayed onto a photo of a tiny child with enormous, teary eyes are the words (another deep breath), “Was your child injured? They deserve better. Claim for their pain HERE”. That’s right, the company pimping this ad, which goes by the Twitter tag @topinjuryclaim, cares so much about the welfare of children that it’ll happily take advantage of a crying child by photographing it and plastering it over its cash-grabbing antics (oh, allegedly, of course). Just what you want if your child has been seriously injured at school, a team of solicitors who, after dealing with your claim, probably ask for a photo of your injured child to glue onto a fucking billboard. Seriously, this bunch of cretinous claim chasers make Breaking Bad’s Saul Goodman look like Helena Kennedy QC.

Look, of course there are times when schools or nurseries have acted negligently and, of course, at those times parents need to resort to the law. I have no qualms or doubt about a parent using a solicitor because a nursery nurse didn’t bother to shut the door near escaping scampering toddlers, allowing them to run into the road and get maimed by a bus. I do, though, have qualms and doubt about a law firm using the marketing equivalent of a curling, white dog turd to take pot shots at teachers while taking cuts from parents.

Go on, look at the ad again. It’s designed to do one thing and one thing only: encourage such raging guilt in parents that they turn a knee scrape or a cut lip into a matter of staggering litigious proportions. Who gives a shit about their child’s spelling test results when what really matters is suing a teacher because they allowed said child to run around in the school yard? And yes, while this ad does state ‘serious’ injury that word means nothing alongside such slogans as “Claim for their pain HERE”. Suddenly ‘serious’ is a moveable feast when compared to the swollen, sobbing face of a little boy or girl who has garnered a paper cut.

It’s as if @topinjuryclaim has a scorched earth policy on decency and morality. Teacher chasing? Really? That’s right, because teachers don’t already do enough for the nation’s families, do they. At no point do they educate, socialise, entertain, comfort, befriend or help secure the future of our offspring. At no point do they host breakfast clubs, mark work after hours, plan lessons or just sob in the toilets because they are underpaid and overworked to such a degree that pit ponying would be career progression. That’s why Injury Claim UK has decided that what teachers really need to keep them on their toes is a festering sewer of litigation tumbling and bubbling through their everyday lives.

Apart from which, have the rat-nibbled flour sacks behind this ad ever met a child? If not, they’d do well to come to Kraken Junior’s school to discover how much injury is the fault of teachers or nursery staff. Three times a day Kraken Junior’s yard hosts 50 screeching, hysterical, arse-on-fire Year 1 and Year 2 children and three times a day the yard is host to anything from bloody knees and torn fingernails to broken bones and smashed teeth. And that’s not because the teachers are negligent. It’s because a five year old acts in much the same way as a crack-addicted research monkey that’s just been abandoned on the central reservation of the M4. Being the yard duty teacher is as thankless as supervising a next of wasps.

And thanks to @topinjuryclaim that task is going to become even more thankless. Teachers will stop wanting to fulfil their roles because they know erroneous litigation is the reward for their efforts. Kids will therefore stop enjoying school like they should because the teachers keep telling them to stop running, skipping, racing, hopping, jumping… And all because some piss-riddled legal firm thinks it’s a good idea to target the very people who, much more often than not, keep our kids happy, healthy and intelligent.

Slow hand clap, @rtopinjuryclaim. You’re doing a sterling job. Thanks to you our world has just become a shittier place, place where instead of kissing better the battered legs or scuffed shins of our kids we run to a phone for legal help instead. A place where instead of teaming up with teachers to provide our kids with a cracking start in life, we pitch ourselves against them because they might be worth a few bob’s compensation. A place where we teach our kids that screwing over each other is way more important than anything else they will learn at school. When it comes to scum-sucking @topinjuryclaim really is the best in the business and if the firm doesn’t like that? Well, it can sue me.

NB: It goes without saying that the word ‘allegedly’ is woven through this blog post. You know, just in case @topinjuryclaim wants to claim for any injury to its profits.

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