Shady (the clean version)

As a special treat to a kraken-lover, the below post has been cleansed of curse words. If you want the original version, replete with all manner of sweariness, check out the original version below.

Oh my giddy nibblets. Just when I thought the ability of humans to be crass stopped with Nadine Dorries I was proved wrong by this. Look, as much as I know that millions of people have read Fifty Shades of Grey and have enjoyed it, actually sticking it on babies’ rompers is about as classy as flicking your balled-up snots at Mother Theresa’s funeral cortege.

Why would anyone want to buy a romper emblazoned with “9 months ago my mommy read Fifty Shades of Grey” or “Generation Grey”? You have to be kidding me. Imagine seriously wanting your child to be a squirming, puking, pooping, squealing billboard for your sex life. I can’t think of a single parent who would stick their kid in one of these and I don’t think that’s because I live amongst a particular breed of snobs (what, here, in my cave?). It’s because I don’t live amongst the cast of Jersey Shore.

I would rather send Kraken Junior out in a dress made from splittle-dipped furballs than in a romper that declared how she was conceived. And that’s not because she was conceived in a lane behind a pub or a heroin-induced stupor but because what me and her father got up to nine months previously isn’t something that belongs writ large across my child’s chest.

What makes anyone do this to their kids? Explaining to your nipper where babies come from is one thing. Doing it while waving about a battered copy of the book itself while using the words ‘handcuffs’, ‘dungeon’ and ‘anal’ are quite another. It’s like teaching kids the birds and the bees by taking them to the Playboy Mansion. Excuse me if I stick to explanations that use the words ‘love’, ‘fun’ and ‘a small sherry’.

Anyway, why stop there, Fifty Shades-lovers (in both senses of the term)? When your sex life becomes a slogan on your kids’ clothes you can let your imagination run amok can’t you. Why let E L James get all the credit? How about a bib with the phrase “Mum got knocked up in the pub!” or a t-shirt with “Dad’s sperm finally hit the mark!”. You could even go for the short n sweet “Drunk then pregnant!” or “Who needs foreplay?” No? Tasteless? Not as tasteless as telling the word, via your child, that in the moments before conception you and your partner donned gimp masks and beat each other with a belt. Explain that one to your kid’s new girlfriend when you look through the baby pics in 20 years time.

And don’t mistake my fury for not loving slogans on kids’ t-shirts. Of course I do. I’d fork out good cash for a t-shirt for Kraken Junior if it read “Dictator in the making” but c’mon, let’s leave the sex to the people who are actually old enough to do it.

So if I do see a kid with a Fifty Shades t-shirt I’ll ask the parents how they’re getting on with their spanking – literally –love life now that they’ve got a squalling ball of human organs to attend to. Something tells me that torture and agony will still be on their minds, only this time in the guise of sleep deprivation and cracked nipples.

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