You know those days when you want to grab the planet by its shoulders and shake it until it wakes from its social coma and sees sense. Well, kraken-lovers, today is such a day. Should you feel the ground rumble under your feet at any point, don’t be scared. It’s just me giving Earth a kick up its arse. That’s because I am at my fevered limit when it comes to seeing porn in newsagents.
Now let me clarify that. It’s not porn in newsagents that’s the problem, when it is tucked away or in a wrapper. I mean, who am I to deny someone a stout toss when they need it? The problem is when the porn is right out there with the newspapers at exactly the eye-level height of any wandering three year old. Yup, I’m talking about those newspapers that slather their front pages with female tits n arses in the same way that The Telegraph slathers its front pages with the woes of the wealthy.
I have seriously lost count of the times I’ve nipped out for a paper, milk or bread with my five year old Kraken Junior only to be confronted by the waggling netherparts of Chantelle from Walthamstow all over some front page or other. And on every occasion I’ve had to take action to stop her – Kraken Junior, that is, not Chantelle – from getting an eyeful of the early message that she’s worth nothing unless her mammarians are being displayed like the crown jewels.
What in the stifling frig is going on? See, it’s illegal for parents to deliberately show their child pornographic images, the stuff of swooping Social Services and police records. Yet, somehow, it’s not illegal for newsagents to do it. So while you, as a parent, work off your sweating balls to stop your progeny seeing deeply inappropriate images for a child, just one trip to the newsagent for a packet of Hob Nobs will unravel all of that.
Look at it this way. Just this morning I’ve read about the National Association of Head Teachers warning that as soon as children have access to the internet their parents should talk to them about the messages surrounding pornography because it has such a staggering impact upon their self-image.
See, at every turn we are told that porn is bad for kids, that it warps their sense of self, that it encourages them to be sexual at earlier ages, that it destroys the notion of loving relationships and that worth can be measured in sexual experiences. Yet every time they wander into a corner shop to pick up a bag of Monster Munch these very images are splattered all over supermarkets and 7/11 outlets like Jubilee bunting.
It’s as if the newspaper industry is actually racing to create an entire generation of highly-sexualised six year olds, like some great publishing experiment where one of them will win a bet. How in the frig girls are supposed to become scientists, artists, business leaders and academics is beyond me, when the newspapers relentlessly tell them that real success comes from being able to flash your 38Es to the world.
And this isn’t even about sticking these rags on the top shelf either. Ok, so the Sunday Sport isn’t physically accessible to small hands when it’s six feet off the ground but it is still visually accessible. I don’t know about your kids but Kraken Junior could spot a Jelly Tot from half a mile away so she as sure as shit doesn’t have a problem seeing an oversized pair of norks just above my head.
All of which is why I am right behind this petition to make it illegal to display porn around children. It’s not because I’m a prude or hysterical, it’s because it’s my parental duty to shield my child from the endless bloody message that she needs to whap out her baps. So when you feel the earth shake later on feel free to get stuck in with me. God knows, the next generation needs all the help it can get.