Just Kidding

scream and shout

You know what, kraken-grabbers, when it comes to parenting I don’t have a single clue about what is going on. Every morning I wake up like an amnesiac, wondering what the fuck that bouncing kid is doing in my house. However, there is one aspect of parenting that confuses me to the point of brain-spaffing derangement and it is this: why parents won’t admit that their kids annoy them.

For once I’m not being obtuse to the point of fist-gnawing delirium. I genuinely don’t know why so many parents are incapable of admitting that there are times when they would like to drop kick their kid into a cement mixer. It’s as if, upon the point of birth, their brains become infested with the notion that normal human emotions are about as socially acceptable as flashing your knackers in Mothercare.

See, overnight your home becomes inhabited with the human equivalent of a Tasmanian devil – and one that insists on trying to bite chunks out of your tit at feeding time – yet, thanks to a strange parental Omerta, it must never be spoken of. What, do these parents think their wombs have been wire tapped by Social Services and that they’ll swoop in like Oz’s flying monkeys if they ever so much scuff being narked?

Thing is, we live in a nation of complainers. The British could moan the soul out of the Pope and all it takes for national rage to engulf us is for Russell Brand to take an ill-timed shit. They write letters of complaint like they’re wading through a European ink lake and bemoan their lives to bus stop strangers. Yet when a tiny human shits all over their entire career, sex life and sanity they say what? Sod all.

So what are these parents scared of? Perhaps they think that the Boden Army will march upon them if they so much as wish their kid would shut the fuck up at bedtime and go to sleep. Or perhaps it’s some sort of parental rule that the midwife failed to inform me about. Then again, perhaps she did but I was screaming so viciously about the head poking from my torn excuse for a foof that I didn’t hear her.

Are parents are so terrified of being shit at, well, parenting, that they never dare mention that their kid is doing their fucking head in? Perhaps, to them, their kid acting like a massive tit is an admittance of personal failure, rather than an admittance of their kid having the human genome. So rather than realising that even the most perfectly raised kids can act like foaming bell-ends, they think that every social infraction is a reflection on how often they bloody bake.

It’s that arse-handling notion of perfection again, that your kids can’t be normal, they can only be perfect. I mean, look at how we treat celebrity spawn. There’s a fountain of fuss every time Suri or Shiloh get papped while throwing tantrums or wiping their snot on the back of Angelina’s head. No one remembers that acting like a complete twat is normal kid behaviour in the first place.

Yet kids aren’t perfect and thank fuck for that because who would want one of those? My favourite memories of Kraken Junior are when she acts like someone poured bleach over her brain by running with her eyes shut, tasting paint and forcing the cat into the microwave. In short, she is being a tiny twat, like every other kid on the planet. If you think otherwise, it’s only yourself you are kidding.

What do you think? Should parents keep schtum about their kids or should they holler about it until said kids see frigging sense? You know where the comment box is, don’t you…

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15 Responses to Just Kidding

  1. I totally agree-children are really annoying. My Mum fosters and we have a 3 and 4 year old and they’re SO irritating, they’re like furbies-if one starts making stupid noises and running about the other one joins in until you’re in cacophony of chaos. It’s horrible. Never heard a parents who admits it though, that sometimes they’d just like to send them back and go back to their care free life before they had sprogs. I just intend to never have any, that way I can never be annoyed to the point of delirium by them!

  2. Mary says:

    My Facebook feed is full of statuses saying things like “I wish my kids would shut up already because they’re driving me nuts”. I had no idea my refreshingly honest friends were so much in the minority. I feel blessed.

  3. Ko says:

    Like Mary’s, my fb and twitter feeds are all about how annoying the kids are. Mother’s Day started in this house by Things 1 and 2 screaming at each other, and ended by me in bed at 9pm from a raging headache bought on by the 4 little buggers! Anyone who says their child is perfect (my bil) is either lying or just doesn’t spend enough time with them!

  4. Grethe says:

    Hi. Great post. I completely agree with everything you said. My kids push me to the edge every day they are very annoying , usually on purpose. Saying that doesn’t mean I love them less it just means I’m honest ! Xx


  5. Rootietoot says:

    I think you’re right, absolutely and completely. My FB feed is full of people who adore their perfect children, and I’m thinking about mine, who have (minor) criminal records and are on a first name basis with their probation officers. I love my kids, but perfect they are not. Even when they were little (granted, I was in the midst of an enormous mental crisis during that time) and supposedly adorable, I wanted to stuff them in a box and tape it shut. I think the only thing that kept me from it was having a good friend who worked for Children’s Services,and she would have disapproved. Little kids? Bah. wait until those perfect darlings who can do no wrong are teenagers. There is no havoc quite like the havoc wreaked by a 16 year old boy who knows how to hotwire a car.

  6. Marilynn1982 says:

    GUILT. GUILT. GUILT. GUILT. It’s the guilt I tells ya! I always feel bad for moaning about the little one. I feel like if I wanted this kid I should deal with all the kid related shit with a smile plastered across my miserable face. Also, people openly flinch and frown disapprovingly when I tell them I pretty much hated the tiny baby/newborn stage. It was awful. We had months of barely coping with a red faced, constant colicky screaming, 2 hour feeding, nipple grating nightmare. How am I supposed to smile about that? It seems it is all about guilt and peer judgement. Well my peers can fuck right off.

  7. Karen Little says:

    I laughed so hard at this I nearly peed (alright a little did come out – after pushing 3 of the buggers out of my foof what do you expect?!).
    I love parents who honestly call their kids out for being little twats, if you don’t you or they are zombies.
    Mine are annoying, irritating little shits at times, so much so my head could explode. Every day I try and be a parent that doesn’t shout. Invariably I last 30 seconds, I scream and swear like a banshee and I fail to be an earth mother. But I don’t give a flying fuck because kids are meant to be challenging!

  8. L. Hewitt says:

    They are annoying. It is their nature. We were annoying. The average 4 year old asks 400 questions a day – I don’t have 400 answers. The comments about the FB and twitter are funny – complain/brag on social media – do nothing in real life. My “child” is 25 and still ANNOYS THE SHIT OUT OF ME, and I tell him so, on a regular basis. It is starting to work.

  9. Really good post! More people are being honest I think, but still most are shamed into not saying anything. Which is odd, because they’d happily moan about their husbands/partners twatty behaviour and no-one would question their love for THEM!

  10. Mumdrah says:

    My mums only parenting advice to me was ” the only difference between a good parent and a bad on is the good parent *doesn’t* drop kick her kids into a cement mixer.

    Done me good approaching it that way (and i am parent to a challenging traumatised adoptee). Loved reading this – off to find you on twitter. Mx

  11. Jessie says:

    I will recommend one thing on YouTube – Lullaby, by Tim Minchin.

  12. Helen says:

    Hmm I am not sure I agree with you, my FB is always filled with people pissed off with their children (and it’s not just my status!). However I honestly think some people genuinely like and adore children and all their annoying ways. I don’t personally understand it but then many don’t understand why I think beetroot and tuna is the best sandwich combo EVER.

  13. Love ‘em mostly. But sometimes, quite often, I just wish. You know.

  14. Purplemum says:

    It’s true we are expected to love every bloody moment of parenting, which would be possible if only I could find the bloomin mute switch.

  15. Maureen Sillars says:

    I don’t have kids, don’t get me wrong I love them always have done I just don’t fancy one of my own. I’m that annoying person that wholeheartedly winds other people’s children up to the point of them spinning manically out of control, only to laugh at the onslaught of chaos it causes throughout the whole household. Life is way to short not to allow kids to act as they should, hell I even join them now and again. There is nothing more liberating that screaming and balling with a kid, not at it…don’t get me wrong you get some funny looks. I’m surrounded by people that ‘keep it real’, I have very carefully selected my friends! I’m afraid it’s a case of if you can’t beat them (not literally), then join them. Start acting like a tiny twat yourself, fuck you might even like it!

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