You know, it’s very rarely that I find a reason to be thankful for the existence of Rupert Murdoch but the Aussie tabloid-tweaker has come up trumps with Sky +. It means I never have to watch an advert ever again which is good because this week, when I actually witnessed a telly ad for Lighter Life, the weight loss method, I became so distressed that I had to smash myself repeatedly in the face with the remote control.
See, the commercial, in its desperation to flog skinny dreams to porky people (like me, I hasten to add), presented viewers with this scenario: a woman who claims that she always wanted to be a singer until she got married and ‘got comfortable’, which I assume is an euphemism for actually eating, I dunno, food. But said Britney wannabe then goes on to bleat that after losing weight with Lighter Life she could once more chase her dreams of public warbblage and take to the stage again. What, may I politely ask, the fuck?
So hang on a mo. Let me get this right. Is this ad actually saying that dreams are for skinny people? Or that fat people shouldn’t parade themselves on stages in front of the public? Or that only people who lose weight deserve fame n fortune? Well fuck me.
If that’s an acceptable message to pimp to the masses someone had better alert Adele, Aretha Franklin and Beth Ditto because they were singing far too loud to hear it. And there they were thinking that their staggeringly beautiful voices, glorious self confidence and globe-straddling ambition actually offset the fact that they’ve been at the business end of a sausage roll. Not according to Lighter Life. Christ no. According to Lighter Life their size alone should have kept them in the shadows rather than the limelight.
Seriously, is this really what Lighter Life thinks is a healthy message to send to women? Look, I know it has something to sell and that something comes in a size 8 but come the fuck on. According to this ad it’s not until you have lost weight that you deserve your dream life. Oh, that’s as long as your dream life doesn’t involve not giving a shit about your size and just being adored for who you are. How Lighter Life copes with large women who are happy in the spotlight isn’t clear. I suspect that this concept would be such an alien one that the entire organisation would start smoking from the ears at the mere prospect of it.
No doubt, Lighter Life would counter this argument by saying that the ad is really about a woman gaining confidence by losing weight hence feeling able to chase her love of public parpage again. Problem is that at no point does this ad use the word ‘confidence’. It just creates this ludicrous correlation between a woman’s size and her success instead.
For fuck sake, why? Does diversity actually not exist in Lighter Life’s world? If it had its way the planet would be packed with skinny singers rather than singers who are prized for – get this – how they sound rather than how they look. And yeah, I know that as a society we are already some way down that path but that doesn’t mean we have to follow it until we are deep in the bloody woods does it?
So, Lighter Life, you can stuff your diet plans right up your weighing scales. I may need to de-pork but I as sure as shit do not need to be told that my dreams are on hold until I do it. If I want to get on a stage and holler I’ll fucking well do it whether I am a size 8 or a size 18. I am the Kraken. Hear me, well, roar.
What do you think kraken-lovers? Have I got the wrong end of the calorie counter or do I have a vague point? You know how to let me, well, know…