Tit-Tops

Jourdan Dunn
 

Hot-shit lollipops! Look, far be it from me to stray too deep into the world of fashion what with me being more favoured with rage than style. Yet, today, fashion has indeed come a-knocking, dragging me from my lair and rubbing my face in stinking piles of organza, like Barbara Woodhouse teaching a puppy to not shit on the floor. That’s because this week Jourdan Dunn, glorious model and all-round creature of wonder, was cast from the Dior show for having big tits even though her mammarian measurements are – take a breath – 32 A.

What in the simpering realms of donkey cock is going on here? See a few days ago Dunn tweeted, “Ahahahahahaha I just for cancelled from Dior because of my boobs! I heart fashion #Couture.” She then went on to write another staggering tweet which said, “I’m normally told I’m cancelled because I’m ‘coloured’ so being cancelled because off my boobs is a minor : )”. More than this the Dior show, with designs by Raf Simons, featured strapless gowns. Strapless? For fuck sake, it’s only having tits like lintels that ever holds those things up!

Parking the race issue for a mo (because that’s a whole screeching post of its own) at what point did a woman’s funbags get too big for fashion by being an A-cup? It’s the equivalent of telling a model that she can’t possibly walk the Chanel runway because she has functioning kidneys and, God knows, we all know how normal human organs can destroy the appeal of haute couture.

Now I know that fashion isn’t known for its sanity. Karl Lagerfeld looks as if he’s being swallowed by the python of his own suit and John Galliano, to wild and effervescent applause, used to dress as a pirate who looked like he’d been sucked through a squirrel’s burning rectum. Oh, and the fact that models are required to be the diameter of a chihuahua’s bollock will tell you how far removed fashion can be from the real world. Yet to hear that a 32 A model’s boobery-pokery is too ample for use is so astoundingly cockwomblish that I reckon the entire fashion establishment has been gargling with petrol.

Look at it this way. When it comes to bra sizes, AAA is the smallest cuppage you can get. The only size down from that is a vest so why the fuck the designers can’t comprehend that women have wobbly merangues of delight of varying sizes attached to their chests is beyond me. Seriously, if hips, arses and tits offend your delicate, needle-fumbling sensibilities that much why don’t you just design clothes for hobbits or costumes for dogs. Instead we have designers who’d prefer to eradicate the sight of norks altogether than sod off and work elsewhere.

Thing is, in any other career if you couldn’t do your job properly you’d be drop kicked into the nearest dole queue. Imagine having the audacity to design airplanes while whining about how customers expect them to have wings or being a gardener who has a pathological hatred of flowers. You’d stand as much chance as a Young Tory on a sink estate. Yet those designers with the greatest inability to create clothes for real women are the one who are heaped with the most praise.

Worse, I speak as a kraken who packs a proud E-cup and I’m not alone. Go for a festive ramble through the M&S knicker department or waggle your mouse through the Bravissimo website (which caters for sizes up to L-cup) and you’ll see that millions of women have bappage that could take your eye out (or your knees, depending on the inevitable sag-factor). That means there are millions of women who couldn’t clamber into a Dior couture frock even if they had the fistfuls of cash to pay for it. Yeah, you could ask Raf Simons to knock one up for you but the chances are that he’d first have to take biology classes. Then there’d be the cost of smelling salts when he realises he has to make room in his dresses for actual nipples.

So if I were Jourdan Dunn I’d tell Dior to shove their frocks right up their bobbins. I’d whap out my baps in their studio, declare myself glorious and then strut the fuck out of the runway show of a designer who didn’t treat women like ironing boards. High fashion? Well it’s high on something and it as sure as shit isn’t reality.

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2 Responses to Tit-Tops

  1. Phil says:

    And that told ‘em :-) Great piece.
    The sooner these body image Nazi’s are removed from the face of the earth the better. They may argue (but haven’t heard it yet) that it is ‘concept’ clothing much like a ‘concept car’ but at least the concept car can actually perform its function of being driven by a range of Homo Sapian in their many shapes and sizes. They might as well by a coat rack and have one of the less perfect, but cheaper, members of the species push it up and down the catwalk! Oh, and yes this is the view of a Male, a bloke, a chap . . . an appreciator of the female form in all its glorious diversity, actually less interested in the ‘wrapping’ than the ‘intellectual’ content.

  2. pws (@pws4) says:

    One of these days, when humanoid robots are “good enough” the fashion industry will dispense with models altogether. I’m not joking here, either, I really believe that will happen. The robots won’t have to be intelligent, science fiction robots either, just able to perform the movements of the models. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already.

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