The Slimming Stasi

Oh thank fuck for the following post. It’s a guest post by Sarah Drew Jones, a lifestyle journalist of some gloriousness, and she is taking a big, fat shit on the media who keep barking at us for being, well, big n fat. You can follow her on Twitter @sdj19. So go on. get yourself a cuppa and a fistful of biccies and settle in. You are going to be told…

You’ve had your fun, now it’s time to PAY. Detox. Diet. Exercise. Words that make you want to lie in the road and weep. They’re all over the media right now. If I have to see one more ‘New Year, new you’ headline, I’ll be reaching for something new, alright: I’ll be ripping someone a fresh one, and the only detoxifying thing about it will be the lorry-load of hand sanitiser I’ll need afterwards.

First week of January, and The Detox Police are out in full force. Strident and messianic, they make the Stasi look like Strictly Come Dancing. New Year body fascism dictates that women’s magazines, the Daily Mail and Lorraine Kelly must all queue up to point out just how fat and lazy you are, with a helpful list of ways to shape up, slim down or suicide your way out of this mess, lard-arse.

Fuck the traditional New Year war on women. Isn’t it enough that we’ve just spent two weeks sacrificing our own needs so that the ragtag collection of ungrateful bastards we call family might enjoy a lavish Christmas? No, The Detox Police believe we should also feel guilty about inhaling the cheeseboard during our few precious hours off. Trousers so tight you’re now contemplating a little dalliance with bulimia? Self-esteem so low a spot of self-harming’s starting to appeal? You’re on-message! Lorraine will be thrilled.

Bullies love to hammer home their agenda. Your days of Bailey’s for breakfast are over; that’s not the way to get Gwyneth Paltrow’s figure/a man/any modicum of self-respect, girlfriend. Don’t you know that Jacob’s Creek gives you cancer? That juicing every single one of your meals will make you a sparkier conversationalist? That if you start jogging now – TODAY – you could lose eleven stone and gain 100 IQ points by summer? Get your trainers on, wide-load!

Full disclosure. I am a lifestyle journalist. Over the years, I’ve done my fair share of preaching from The Book of Detox, Yoga and Self-Loathing (available from all good healthcare shops: comes with free colonic irrigation tube). It was almost exclusively rubbish. ‘Detoxing will give you a glow by Valentine’s Day!’ (and by Easter? Rickets). ‘Time to change your life’ (subtext: because you’ve royally fucked up this one, haven’t you, tubster?).

Like all the best war criminals, I was only following orders. Most editors are psychopaths who can’t sleep unless they’ve made women feel hot, visceral shame about themselves. Here’s the thing: ‘New Year, new you’ articles are never directed at men. Blokes, apparently, don’t need to be patronised about their iron levels, or sold lies about diet drinks and the benefits of colour-coding a daily food chart (super-organised or the behaviour of a mentalist, by the way? You decide). Men are free to limp through miserable January unencumbered by the Mail shouting ‘repent now, fatty’ through their letterbox.

Well, this year I’m a detox refusenik. I won’t be writing any propaganda about supplements made of bat sick and concrete. I won’t be water-boarding anyone ‘til they agree to thrice-weekly Extreme Zumba. Like I said, bollocks to the New Year war on women. It may be a new year but I don’t want a new me: I quite like the old one, thanks, and I can muddle along nicely without a load of old toss made up by lazy journalists who think women should pay for their Christmas feasting with famine (and Pilates).

It’s deepest midwinter, we’re all depressed and cold and Cameron, Clegg and Osborne have fucked the economy so thoroughly it’s never going to walk again. Welcome to 2013, everyone. At least let us have a Twix and dream of summer.

So what do you think? Reckon the girl’s got a point? Well, even if you don’t, let us know in the comment box below.

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6 Responses to The Slimming Stasi

  1. Lisa Hewitt says:

    Thank fuck indeed.

  2. I’ve never fallen for the diet detox trap because I’ve seen so many mates get thin, get fat, diet thin, eat, get fatter, diet thin, eat, get even fatter, and so on, in the meantime ruining every meal we have together with inane drivel about how many calories/grams of fat/pro points whatever are in the lettuce leaf she’s eating.

    No more says I!

    • The Kraken says:

      That’s the problem. Being so weight obsessed is exhausting. Just think of what women could achieve if they put that effort into becoming CEOs or Prime Ministers.

  3. Exactly! I do not do resolutions. I am indeed that woman in the comment box. Was thin, starved, got fat, dieted, got fatter, would have won Nastermind with my specialised subject – calories. God how dull and BORING GGG! In fact I’ve been avoiding a lot of the usual blogs I read because I am sick of the get fit, lose weight resolution blog posts by every single blogger ever. The bloody Jenny Craig advert – is it Jenny Craig! Who the fuck is Jenny Craig ( Icould actually tell you bc one of the blogs I read is doing a SPONSORED thingy with it ) but on the TV the thin sparkly blonde tells us how easy it is. No weighing, no meetings just great food delivered and HEATED IN MINUTES . Just order it online. Out of sheer nosiness I went to look. It’s like mail order WW meals for one. But VERY EXPENSIVELY. So I’m off down the pound shop – they sell ALL the diet crap and I have a new e business idea….. N muuwuhahahahaaaaa!!
    IF I was in charge of making those Jenny Craig esque meals I’d be making them in LARD. Then the mindless idiots ( I’m not sorry about calling my own kind this ) buying it would buy it for longer! Also I saw an advert for Baxters soup called FULL FOR LONGER!!! Wtaf? I like soup, but I don’t want it to sit like a brick and stay with me for days. Scientifically speaking, do you know what it is that switches on the I am satisfied button in our brain – it’s FAT. Fat gives us mouthfeel and satisfaction. So I wonder if they’ve added giant globules of butter to this soup? Oh I think I need to blog this myself !!! Thanks for the inspiration! I’ll send my readers your way! I only have a few so please be gentle with them! X

    • The Kraken says:

      Thank darling. I’m astounded at the dull things women do to get thin. I knew someone who constantly went on diets that meant she lost 20lbs in a fortnight but the put the lot back on in the second it took her to eat a chip. She even went on one diet that involved pills that made her heart race just to burn off calories. What in the fuck? Needless to say she never became slim because she never did it in a way that was sensible. Me? Asd much as I’d like to get healthier my slim days are way behind me and I just cannot be bothered to put in the massive amount of energy that it takes to stay slim either. I like cake too much.

  4. I’m afraid I have restarted my healthy eating and running regime – WAIT HEAR ME OUT! – because we were fed to the point of standstill by feeder-type relatives in Belfast over Christmas and I came home feeling really sluggish and blah. I also have a half marathon to run in April and need to get my skates on with my training (not literally, that would be cheating).

    However I think the important point here is that it is MY CHOICE. I’m not doing it because a magazine told me so. I am going back to a lifestyle with exercise routines and eating habits that have served me well in the past and are part of who I am now. There are no unrealistic expectations because for me it is just getting back to normal.

    Please don’t think me a smug, saintly, skinny (HA!) nutcase. I am all for women feeling proud of their bodies and HATE trashy mags who put bulimic celebrities up there as paragons of healthy body image. I also LOVE my food. So scoff away lovely people. Detox schmetox.

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