Talking Cock

Whoa there! What in the fuck is this? Now before I tell you what’s making my eyes weep tears of hot spinal fluid I need you to know that I never read the Daily Mail. Ever. I’m permanently furious as it is without administering this daily dose of ignorant bollocks to my diet. But when my lovely river-fiddling chum alerted me to the following I became so endangered by my own fury that I had to blog it out of my system.

See, on Wednesday the Parliament of Trolls, or the Mail Online, published this bleak excuse for a feature. It was entitled “Husbands who don’t do wives’ chores get 20 times more sex per year (as does the wife, of course)”. It went on to snigger through its fingers that researchers at the University of Washington have found that couples who stick to traditional gender roles at home have sex 20 times more per year than couples who share the household tasks.  This suppurating collection of verbs, nouns and adjectives then went on to bleat that “Wives’ reported satisfaction with their sex life has the same relationship to men’s participation in household labour as sexual frequency”.

What in the actual fuck? First I astound myself at being surprised at the Daily Mail’s interest in this. Any research suggesting that the best place for a woman is chained to a sink while waiting for her husband to give her one is bound to feature on its website. You can almost hear Head Troll Paul Dacre cackling that those vile, independent, happy, ambitious, career-lovin’ women are finally getting their comeuppance by forsaking their sex lives for free thought. Dry, chapped muffs. That’ll teach ‘em.

And what about that headline about husbands who don’t do wives’ chores? Yes, wives’ chores. As if said chores don’t belong to anyone else and that men who live with these women have no actual responsibility apart from screwing their wives in fits of sprocket-based masculine hysteria when they’ve finished topping up the car with fucking anti-freeze.

God forbid men should risk terminal flaccidity by being expected to defrost the freezer once a year or running the vacuum over the living room. I really had no idea that men were such delicate flowers and that the rise and fall of their penises was inextricably linked to whether they’ve knocked out a spag bol in the last six months. According to this festering set of pubic madness there’s no telling what could happen if a man was actually expected to, say, change a nappy. Perhaps he’d risk his cock actually turning to stone (and I don’t mean in a good way).

Worse, is what this article insinuates, which is that if men aren’t treated like men – as opposed to being treated like, say,  rational and functioning human beings – then we’re fucked. Or not fucked, as the case may be. That’s right, so women have to put aside what they need from a partner – which is domestic equality, support, understanding and the ability to share – just so they can get an extra twenty shags a year. That’s an annual 600 seconds more of having the top of your head bashed against the headboard as you gasp for a cuppa. Well worth the drudgery don’t you think?

Oh, and scoot down to the bottom of the Daily Mail’s rotting barrel of words and you’ll find the warning that those “men who refuse to help around the house could increase conflict in their marriage and lower their wives’ marital satisfaction”. All of which means it’s Ok for men to do sod all but only if they’ve tried to help and their wives have shooed them away for the sake of their sex lives. Yup, the next time your man tries to rinse a mug flap him away from your domestic domain and insist he does something manly instead, like scaffold the car.

Needless to sayI shan’t be taking heed of this or anything else that the Daily Mail spews out. If I have any concerns about my sex life I’d do better than turn to this bromide-doused rag of hate. You really can trust Dacre’s trolls to talk cock in more ways than one.

So what do you think my darling kraken-lovin’ nosebags of delight? Love the Daily Mail’s advice? Hate it? The comment box is waiting for your rage…