Look, can somebody send me a paper bag to breathe into because Morrisons have induced in me an attack of such proportions that I think I’ve lost a lung. See it’s the ads, the fucking ads. And this time it’s not the thousand-yard stare of Freddie Flintoff or the bug-eyed glory-whore called Richard Hammond that’s done it for me. Blame instead the new ad campaign that the store is unleashing for Crimbo because it’s focus is “on the role that mum plays”.
Yes, you read that right. The word “mum”. Not “the mum” but just “mum” because, hell, why get shoppers on your side by flogging decent veg when you can just patronise the fuck out of them instead. You want to know what else Morrisons and it’s ad agency DKLW Lowe says about this monumental ad-shag? “We have blah a lot of blah this year developing blah festive blah and Christmas blah, so that mums can feed their families…”. Well Morrisons, I hate to tell you this to you but your ad agency has done the equivalent of breaking into your supermarkets and shitting vindaloo-induced turds into your grape displays.
You know, if I didn’t think the bile would sting my face I’d weep tears of the stuff. At what point did the ad agency and then the Morrisons execs think that this campaign was a good idea? Why did no one stand up and say a) referring to “mum” rather than “the mum” is patronising bollocks, b) mothers are actually women who know how to shop without you referring to their uterine produce and c) your insistence that Crimbo dinner is down to women alone is outdated, misguided and really, really having a big fucking laugh.
It’s like that Iceland slogan “That’s why mums go to Iceland”. Oh just fuck off will you? You think referring to me as ‘mum’ and comparing me to the media-roadkill that is Kerry Katona is going to induce me to buy your sausage rolls?
What is this media obsession with “mums” and the idea that it’s OK to cast aside every other aspect of a woman’s life just to flog food? How often do you see “dads” mentioned in advertising? Exactly, because men are never just seen as dads are they. They’re instead viewed as a complex mix of traits and personalities and lifestyles. And I can’t remember the last time I saw a supermarket lure in men by reducing them to the produce of their own ballsacks.
That’s not true of women though is it? Women, once they’ve spawned, are never really seen as these complex types again. Instead they’re thought of as mothers first and foremost with the hobbies and careers and social lives and political activities all being nothing but add-ons which can be niftily cast aside in time to make supermarket CEOs their Crimbo bonuses.
Well thanks, Morrisons, for claiming to understand me and then spectacularly failing to put this into action. Or is that down to your ad agency? See, if I was going to chuck money at a load of ad execs I’d want them to come up with something innovative, fresh and thought-provoking. If they’d have presented me with this idea I’d have told them to fuck off back to their no doubt brightly coloured and open-plan office to come up with something that wouldn’t shit on every mother in the country. How about an ad that subverts the stereotypes? Or an ad that makes women tell their husbands to take care of the turkey? But no. That wouldn’t be money for nothing would it? And money for nothing is exactly what these guys want.
Yup, the UK will be having yet another Christmas with stereotypes strewn over it like ugly baubles. So how about “mums” joining forces to tell Morrisons where it can stick its stuffing balls by consciously shopping at stores that don’t promote these outdated notions? Now that would be one fuck of a lesson in advertising and quite possibly the best Crimbo present that any modern woman could wish for: another stride towards equality.
So what do you think about the Morrisons ad campaign? Are you enraged or not bothered? Am I getting my arse in my hand over nothing or do I have a point? Look, I’ll never know unless you get stuck into the comments box below so what are you waiting for…