You know what, there are few things that make me cringe as a woman. I’ve happily shat on a midwife, peed on a thousand motorway verges, had a dozen internal scans, fanny farted like an exploding hot air balloon and publicly whipped out an engorged tit and none of it has bothered me. Yet there is one thing, one phrase, that makes me want to curl into a ball and weep into my own gussetry and that’s ‘panty liner’.
Panty liner. Oh Jesus, my fingers are cringing just typing it. It’s just such a hateable phrase, one that makes me creep so much that I can’t physically say it out loud. Honest to fuck, my tongue actually refuses to work when presented with those two words. Thank Christ you can buy these things off a shelf because if I had to go to a counter and ask for them I’d resort instead to stuffing my kickers with folded tea towels.
It’s word ‘panty’ isn’t it? That word alone makes me think of cheap satin and lurid lace and, worse, creepy old men fingering gussets in the darkest corner of M&S while their wives have nipped into the bank. I seriously think that the only people who like the word ‘panty’ are those who burgle washing lines. Oh, and Alan Partridge.
In fact I can’t ever imagine a woman coming up with ‘panty’. It has to be a man who invented the word. You see, I’ve never met a woman who didn’t look like she fancied a good scrub after being subjected to the term, so how the word became the name of a product exclusively for women is beyond me. Please, etymologists, tell me that this word had a less creepy birth than the one I am currently thinking of, where a boardroom of advertising men – Mad Men-stylee – snigger over stained crotches.
So it’s about time that we reclaimed the panty liner and gave it a name that didn’t make women sick up into their mouths every month. I’ve come up with a few, just in case you’re wondering:
Cavernly crash pad
Conjugal flack jacket
And you know what? I’d happily ask anyone for a packet of these. The words, “Can I have a bumper pack of minge mats please?” would trip off my tongue way easier than anything involving the words ‘panty’ and ‘liner’. In fact I’d take great joy in stocking up on flap hammocks if it meant I could say the words out loud in Tesco.
So, girls, let’s turn the crimson tide and give these products names that don’t make periods sound like a perv’s dream. As much as the words ‘panty’ and ‘liner’ can’t physically leave my body, the contents of my uterus bloody well can so it’s time to give me what I want and that’s anything but a rummaging Alan Partridge.
So what do you think about the term ‘panty liner’? Do you like it or hate it? And what names do you have for them? Do tell in the comment box below, kraken-lovers…