What in the giddy realms of festive fuck is this? Look, do you remember how you felt the first time you learned that there was no such thing as Santa or that there were no such things as Mars Bar trees, just grandparents sneakily tying confectionery to low lying branches? You do? Then I’m afraid that I have another disappointment for you. Ready? Men don’t do Christmas.
I shit you not. Men don’t do Christmas. Well, that’s according to Asda, the nation’s most loved arse-patting food emporium. See its advertising assault on Crimbo is oddly devoid of men preparing for the festive period, even though it does focus almost entirely on a lone woman struggling with everything from the unknotting of the Crimbo lights to making sure her incontinent mother-in-law isn’t sitting in her own shit in time for the Queen’s Speech. It’s 90 suppurating seconds of a man-less Christmas while a woman looks as if she’s in the throws of a mid-winter breakdown before smiling proudly at her slumped and overfed family.
Now forget, for a mo, whether this is sexist (I raged about Morrisons’ similar ad campaign here). What in the frig does it say about men if it’s not that they’re feckless, lazy and desperate to do anything but spend time with their families? I don’t know a single bloke who doesn’t get involved in Crimbo but according to Asda they just do not exist, hence my theory that someone, somewhere, has decided that men don’t do Christmas.
Christ, I’d hate to be a bloke at this time of year because they suddenly become invisible. Clearly the geniuses behind these campaigns believe that men don’t do the cooking, the buying, the partying, the child-management or the construction of Crimbo-morning gifts. Aye, the festive rules have been rewritten and all while we laboured under the notion that Christmas was a family time, not just a mother-n-child time.
Yeah, women do put in a lot of effort at Crimbo but so do all the men I know. Conjugal Kraken buys gifts, writes cards, gets the food and cooks the turkey, usually while building a freshly unwrapped chemistry set with one foot and supplying me with mulled wine via his remaining trotter. I’ll let you guess at how he serves his chocolate log. But I can honestly say that if it weren’t for him, the kraken-Christmas would amount to little more than a Pot Noodle dipped in glitter.
Anyway, you have to wonder at the destination for this train of thought. I mean, if men are redundant during this year’s festivities, who will be redundant next year? I’m actually starting to fear for Santa himself because next year he’ll be depicted at someone’s idea of a housewife shoving a cushion up her jumper and wedging herself in a fucking chimney.
So can we have men back now please, Asda? Can we? Because I don’t want a Conjugal Kraken-free Christmas and Conjugal Kraken doesn’t want to be Crimbo-free either. All he wants is to be included in the festivities like any other normal human being, rather than the gimp-faced bauble-botherer that Asda seems to think he is. That’s all I want for Christmas this year. Really, it is.
So, kraken-lovers, what do you or your men do at Crimbo that Asda is forgetting about? Anything? Everything? Fuck-all? Come over the comments box and let us know.