Kraken-lovers, yesterday I did something so embogglingly deranged that it was the equivalent of feeding my ovaries to a crow. I - deep breath – looked at an article on the Daily Mail website. Now, I didn’t mean to because as a rule I am angry rather than irrational, bigoted, panicked, women-hating and in mortal fear of people with skin darker than milk, but the link was offered to me and I clicked on it. And you won’t be surprised to learn that by the time I’d finished reading the headline I was wearing my spleen on the outside of my body, much like a dripping belt buckle. And here’s why: according to the Daily Mail, “Half of women ADMIT to going bare-faced on holiday”.
For the love of fuck! Look, I know that the Daily Mail is the journalistic equivalent of one of those curly dog turds that’s turned crumbly and white, but what, exactly, is with the use of the word “admit”? You see, the alleged paper’s article is based on some survey or other, a detail that interests me almost as much as how often Nick Clegg shags. But the problem is not with the survey, it’s with the words the Daily Mail uses to report on it. It says, with my capitals, “48 per cent of over 18s ADMITTED to opting for the natural look when on a sunshine break”, “62 per cent of women CONFESSED to not styling their hair while on holiday” and “24 per cent SHUNNED hair products”. That’s right, because not bothering with eyeliner should result in the sort of semantics reserved for tax-dodging MPs and paedophiles.
Worse, once you have stopped staggering about your living room from the shock of women pleading guilty to the freshly milled crime of not wearing foundation the same article adds: “13 per cent of women…CONFESSED to wearing make-up all day, every day”. Yup, we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t, so according to this bilge water women who don’t-wear make-up are now as secretive and conniving as those who do. That’s what the Daily Mail calls a win-win situation because it manages to throw under the bus almost every woman who has ever woken up in the morning. The only problem is that it’s fuck-monkey Paul Dacre who is driving the bus.
Look, I know the Daily Mail despises women to the point of wanting to reinstate witch burning but, apart from raising the spirit of Vincent Price, Witchfinder General, what exactly is this article trying to do? It’s as if the reporter has been given orders to reduce the nation’s women to the shit on its collective shoe.
Let’s start with the use of the words “admitted” and “confessed” because they are loaded with such teetering levels of shame and guilt that they make the population of HMP Pentonville look like a maternity ward. You see, the paper could have chosen to use the words ‘said’, ‘responded’, ‘told’ or ‘replied’ when reporting this survey but that would have been far too accurate and, more importantly, wouldn’t have left its female readers feeling like they’d murdered their own progeny with a sharpened chip fork. Instead, by admitting and confessing, it chose to turn a non-story into the hysterical revelation that women do or do not apply lipgloss. Saddam Hussein couldn’t have done better by denouncing everyone who had ever taken a shit.
And even worse than the actual semantics is what, in just nine sentences, the faux-newspaper implies. Go on, look at those quotes again. It screams that women who do not wear make-up on holiday are grubby slatterns while those who do wear make-up are narcissistic and vain. Fuck knows if there is some sort of middle ground that would actually please the paper, where a woman only wears so much make-up or just applies it to half of her face. Even then the writing would probably accuse said woman of being indecisive, dithering and so pitifully reckless with their looks that they should be sterilised just to spare future generations such vile genetic output.
Which is why the Daily Mail such a piss-poor read that I wouldn’t use it to line my moggy’s litter tray. I have no idea what it must be like to read this cock-knockage day-in, day-out or why a woman would even want to. Seriously, if I wanted to start every day feeling like a pox-riddled mongrel I’d conference call Gwyneth Paltrow, David Cameron and twat-in-a-hat Bono. I certainly wouldn’t need the Daily Mail to do it for me although that certainly doesn’t stop it trying. Perhaps it’s time for the paper to admit to despising women and to confess to being the printed equivalent of a bus station drunk. And yeah, from where I read, the publishing of the Daily Mail is the most heinous crime of all.