How to lose Twitter Followers…

You know what, kraken-feasters? There’s not much that I hate about living in Britain. In fact, on the whole, I love it because it gives me more blog-fodder than a kraken like me could ever deserve. However – aye, you knew that was coming – what does make me want to scale the Cenotaph, like the fevered spawn of a Pink Floyd guitarist, is this: the deification of some of the nation’s celebrities and institutions. So I shall list them here and lose almost all of my Twitter followers in the process:

Military Wives: putting aside the wonderful, noble and admirable reason for this endeavour, the music makes me want to pour cyanide into holes drilled into my skull. Just as an antidote to the suppurating blandness and saccharine sickliness of every single fucking note, you understand. It’s as if Gareth Malone took a tune, sucked the melody out of it and then dipped it in Essence of Fuck All.

Miranda Hart: being a bumbling toff does not a comedian make. Neither does it make a personality deserving of the lavish attentions of the British public. It does, though, seem to warrant every fucker at the BBC trying to crawl up her arse just to milk her like a wet-nursing giraffe.

John Lennon: what is it about him that makes me want to tell the arrogant, egotistic, presumptuous, smug Yoko-poking pop-fumbler to just fuck off?

Parent bloggers: not all of them, just some of them. See, exploding your vagina over a delivery table doesn’t necessarily mean that every time your son or daughter takes a shit it deserves 500 words punctuated with nothing more than exclamation marks. Debate any aspect of parenting you like but for fuck sake make it even vaguely interesting to the poor bloody readers.

Stage-school kids: it’s the jazz hands, the rictus grin, the en-un-ci-a-tion of every fu-ck-ing word. Cbbc looks like a roll-call (or role-call) of wannabe telly presenters, all of whom would willingly flog the parents who paid for their opportunities for so much as a wink from Dick or Dom. If a kid wants to be an actor/ singer/ dancer/ presenter go for it. All I ask is that they aren’t so pretentious and annoying that I want to flush my eyeballs down the toilet whenever I look at them.

Race for Life: again, it’s not the intention that’s the problem. The problem is that it shoves women into female-only races as if we need special dispensation because we have tits or periods. What in the fuck is wrong with raising money for cancer research by running with men? They won’t mind. They won’t point and laugh. They’ll be too busy stopping their knackers from bouncing and chafing, for fuck sake.

Children in Need: see, it’s the day itself that makes me want to dispense Medieval torture to any given tin rattler dressed as a jaunty panda. Yeah, I’ll willingly give money to kids who need it but you can shove your enforced jollity right up the pyjamas you’re wearing to raise cash. I don’t want to do the can-can through Tesco and I don’t want to fall into line with the BBC’s idea of family fun. I just want the world to stop telling me I’m a wanker because I’ve decided to not hop from Land’s End to John O-fucking-Groats.

So what about you? Is there anything you despise even though everyone else seems to love it? Spill the beans in the comment box. That is if you’re still talking to me.

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23 Responses to How to lose Twitter Followers…

  1. Lucy says:

    The thing I don’t get about Gareth Malone is that he clearly does know and like a good tune: his favourite musicians are Nancy Kerr and James Fagan – phenomenal folk musician duo – and he’s even had them as his inheritance tracks on Radio 4′s Saturday Live. Listen to Queen of Waters being played live at Shrewsbury Folk Festival in 2010 on YouTube – it’s a marvel.
    But Malone is clearly a slave to popular pap in his own output, which belies this obvious example of good taste. Sad really.

  2. Angeline says:

    Those Mummies , who say that their children are their life. That the most valuable fucking job is parenting. Is it hell. I had a life before my child and it was pretty darn good! I do love my child and I don’t know what I would do without her and this next one who is on the way but I also have other things and interests and I don’t want to be told that I am a bad mother due to thinking her shit doesn’t stink! WORD!

    • The Kraken says:

      This very morning I read that when Kate Winslet picked up her latest gong from the Queen she told Her Maj that while she loves her job she loves being a mum even more. And you know what? I promptly wanted to smack her (Winslet not Queenie) in the face.

  3. Lily says:

    Fucking David Mitchell. Adenoidal Oxbridge panel-show humping cunt.

  4. billyoftheworld says:

    people who brag about how stupid or ignorant they are. people who seem to be proud of not knowing shit. people who use the word “lame” when what they mean is “rubbish”. people who don’t care what’s going on in the world and don’t want to know about it. people who are incapable of, or scared of, having an opinion and/or making a decision for themselves. people who claim to admire me for the stuff i know, as if i have access to some magical source beyond making the fucking effort to read about stuff on the net, stuff which is totally available to them too if only they could be arsed. people who stay silent about other people’s shitty behaviour and yet claim to think i am right to speak out. if you think it’s a good thing to speak out, then fucking speak out! don’t leave it to me all the time.

  5. billyoftheworld says:

    ps charlie gilmour is not the spawn of a pink floyd guitarist. he was adopted by a pink floyd guitarist. he had just met, and been rejected by, his birth father a day or two before getting off his face at the demo and climbing the cenataph. for this admittedly stupid act he paid a heavy price – doing more time in prison than some rapists, and than most thieving MPs.

  6. Andy says:

    I like 5 out of the 7 things on this list! Whoo hoo! And I like David Mitchell! Double fist pump! I’m still going to follow you though cos you hate things in such an incandescent and joyful way. Oh and I think swearing is funny too.

    P.S. I like ‘Race for life’ cos it is a gateway drug. I see plenty of race for life t-shirts on the runs I do.

    • The Kraken says:

      Thank you! It’s the first time my swearing has actually won me a chum so I’ll forgive the David Mitchell and Race for Life thing. Mwah!

  7. Hairbear says:

    Completely agree with your list, but I am totally with Angeline on the special hate that must be reserved for the smarm-explosion that is those self-righteous bloody professional mums, just shut the fuck up about what sodding vegetables you’re pureeing, how amazing the baby signing class is, or how fucking advanced/special/talented your sprog is, mine are pretty good too (except when they’re swapping swear words in the bath) but I don’t need to share every minute of their day!
    Also WTF is with people who post pictures of every fucking meal they eat? Fuck off, you eat, well done you, next we’ll be getting pics of every dump too..

  8. Hairbear says:

    Thanks Angeline, it’s good to know there are other people who’s lives didn’t begin and end the moment they peed on a stick!

  9. Lois says:

    Can I add Kirstie Allsop, queen of smug. The family she is helping do up their house on Vintage Home tonight also rank in my list. Top of the smug parents list. The top moment for me was when KA revealed the perfectly laid table complete with table runner (wft?) flowers etc and then saying that after they had put their little boy to bed at 7.30 they could lay the table like this. Honestly, who is going to do that? after getting a toddler off for the night all I want to do is slump on the sofa!!! Grrrr

  10. Lorna Sims Byrne says:

    Yup, I so “feel” many of the things on your list (sorry, I haven’t a clue who Military Wives are), especially Miranda Hart & parent bloggers. If I weren’t so tired I’d have lots of items/people to add to the list, too. Love your blogs.

  11. Oh no, I think you might be splitting up with me. I’m guilty of the exclamation mark crime. I love Miranda though I’m sure I wouldn’t want to milk her giraffe wot sit and I tweet pictures of food!
    You did forget to add Coldplay to your list.
    And anyone, like, who totes, like, lilts their voice up at the end of every sentence like its a question, like, also like uses the words, totes, amaze balls, and says like all the time.
    Really unfunny comics too should be there. Oh and Chris Moyles. Tess Daley does my head in too.
    Also one last thing. I can not stand fucking football, footballers, football programmes, football players turned celebrities, football kits, footballs, football boots. All one giant pile of utter shite.

    • The Kraken says:

      Noooo! Stay with me! Don’t go! We can work this out you know. We just need some time alone. Oh go on, stay. Whatcha think?

  12. I think my husband would happily divorce me and marry you simply for that last point alone….. He HATES Children in Need!!!

    • The Kraken says:

      Heh. I’ll happily be his bit on the side for the one day a year when Children in Need comes around. We can get together, fume, and then depart back to the bosoms of our families.

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