Head Count

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Hot balls! I’ve seen some bollocks being passed off as journalism in my time but last week something in The Times caught my eye and rendered me so enraged that the paper later had to be retrieved from the postman’s throat. It was an article so out of proportion with the national state of skintness that it made me want to set fire to my nearest Mercedes dealer. Yup, you guessed it. It listed the top fifty things that adult humans should do before they die.

Oh spare me, will you? This bucket of literary slops was based on a survey that was commissioned to celebrate the release of cartoon caper Life of Pi on DVD and it asked 2000 18–65 year olds what they thought were the essential experiences of a life well lived. I won’t list them all for you here because this blog tries hard to avoid producing distilled cock-cheese but suffice it to say that said list banged on about one night stands, small joys, paying off debts, being true to yourself, making time for family, going outside more, having a pet, passing a driving test…you get the rest.

Thing is, it also listed pursuits that made me wonder if the brainstems behind this muppetry did nothing but survey the recipients of afternoon tea at the Dorchester. In other words, it didn’t bother asking people on the recession-hit, poverty-stricken, rubbish-strewn street. That’s because several of the must-have experiences of human existence should also apparently include taking two holidays a year, to stop worrying about money, visiting at least 25 countries, visiting all of Britain’s historical landmarks, going on safari, blowing loads of money in one shopping trip and getting a degree.

Now, lists like these almost derange me with fury. Life can be tough enough as it is without feeling the burning pressure to learn skywriting just because some bloke in a marketing department has said you should.

Worse, the only people these lists seem to apply to are those who are able-bodied, fit, wealthy and in control of their lives. To me the very existence of these surveys screams that life just ain’t worth living if you can’t afford to travel, can’t climb onto a tandem or don’t have the wherewithal to survive an UCAS application. Go on safari? Visit 25 countries? Pay off all of your debts? Stuff the inspiration and motivation. From where I stand it appears to read like fifty ways to fail.

Seriously, if I showed this list to most of the people I see in my town they’d think I’d been gargling with bong water. My local pawn shops advertise how customers can swap their wedding rings for Euros just for a week in Alicante so how in the fuck they’re supposed to get to the outer reaches of the planet is beyond all of us, in more ways than one.

If such a list were to be compiled by chatting to the people outside local telly-lenders, Bright House, it’d read differently. I suspect the must-have experiences of a lifetime would involve finding a job, not missing a meal to spare the kids hunger, managing to stay off disability benefit, taking a holiday every five years, ridding the back bedroom of damp and staying in school long enough to take an A level. They as sure as shit would not fret about whether they spent enough time learning the varying dialects of Papua New Guineans.

So can we quit with the surveys that bang on about how one life is better than another just because it involves marathon running or lion-hunting? How about just assuming that, as mature humans, we’re all capable of deciding for ourselves how we want our lives should look. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that’s the best life experience of all.

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