Driven Mad

Whoa! I’ve just had a small mental implosion from which I will never recover if I don’t write about it. It’s something that’s been festering in my brain like a small, gangrenous water vole hibernating for a nuclear winter. Which is why the next time I am on the road and see someone taking a physical shit on the Highway Code I am going to beat them to death with a traffic cone. See, I fucking hate other drivers.

I don’t just fucking hate them. I really, really fucking hate them. That’s because there are so many who drive as if their frontal lobes have been replaced by those stinky little traffic lights that you hang off your rearview mirror. Actually, it’s a miracle that I get from A to B in one piece because every time I get behind the wheel my eyes bleed with rage and I have no idea if I am still on the road or actually traversing a playground full of children.

Problem is that my dad was a driving instructor which means the Highway Code is actually imprinted on my brain. I know exactly when to use fog lights or when to indicate on a roundabout with 137 exits and, like The Terminator, I can spot the transgressing little fuckers a mile away. However, in an effort to create structure from rage I’ve made a list. My therapist says it’ll help:

Fog lights: The clue is in the title you wank-faced toss-beagles. F.O.G. Fog. So why in the fuck you have your fog lights on when it’s 24 degrees outside and the rest of us are getting tans is beyond me. Think we won’t see you if you don’t put them on? You’re wrong. We’ll see you because you’re the biggest twat to hit the M4 this side of rush hour.

Indicators: Why in the fuck are so many people so incapable of flicking a finger at their indicator arm? It’s beyond me how anyone could be either so searingly lazy or just giddyingly ignorant of other road users. They may as well drive with a neon sign that reads “Fuck you, tosspot” on the roof of their car.

Zigzags: They are there for a purpose you self-obsessed bell-ends! At what point did becoming a parent actually erase common sense from your fucking brain? No, it didn’t? Then in that case stop treating the zigzags like personal parking spaces and go around the block until you find somewhere to stop just like the rest of us law-abiding dipsticks.

Phones: Seriously, unless you are driving while giving birth and phoning for an ambulance because the baby’s head is getting in the way of the gearstick, turn the fucking thing off. Exactly how important is it for you to gabble at your mate while you’re negotiating the busiest junction in London? And as for people who text while driving, I’d cut their fingers off and feed them to starving Belgian otters.

Tailgating: No, you lumpen-brained Audi/ BMW/ Saxo driver. I won’t go any faster because you are actively trying to drive your way up my rectum. And I can’t go any faster because there’s a mile of fucking traffic in front of me. Oh and if I could go faster I fucking well wouldn’t, not unless it was in reverse and right over your fucking head.

I could go on, really I could, but I have hit the keyboard so hard I am now bleeding from the fingertips as well. Just let it be known that the next time you hear of a major traffic incident it’s probably me taking potshots with a pistol at drivers while crouching on the hard shoulder of the M6. There’s no need to thank me right now. Just wait until I’ve cleansed the roads of foaming bell-ends. No, no, you’re quite alright.

So what makes you put your fist through the windscreen when you are on the road? Shit parkers? Weavers? Anyone who drives an Audi? Do tell, darlings, do tell.

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9 Responses to Driven Mad

  1. Kim says:

    Yes to all of those! I experience massive anxiety at roundabouts because people don’t indicate where they’re going. You think they’re turning right (because they’re indicating right – what kind of a fool am I, eh?) and then they turn left and you’ve missed your chance to go and there’s a queue of people behind you and you have the feeling that at any moment one of them is going to start beeping.

    Or they don’t indicate at all.

    Also tailgating. Also hogging the middle lane on a motorway.

    Speaking on the phone while driving. Smoking while driving.

    And etc. really. I could go on about this stuff for ever.

  2. Can I please add people who are so fecking lazy that they can’t lift a finger to acknowledge the fact you’ve let them past? I’m not looking for a bunch of flowers and a thank you card, just a little nod or wave will do nicely THANK YOU. Clearly from the same school as the ones who are too lazy to use their indicators.

  3. Becky says:

    I HATE other drivers. The main ones who are pissing me off at the moment are people who for reasons known only to themselves drive in the MIDDLE of the road. Driving home last night (10 minute journey) I had 2 near misses with morons coming the other way who were straddling the centre line. WHY??? And people who don’t indicate make me swear loudly. And people who don’t thank you for letting them past. And people who refuse to back up on country lanes (like the one we live on) when they know full well there’s a passing place 2 yards behind them BECAUSE THEY JUST PASSED IT.
    and breathe.. :)

  4. Becky says:

    And don’t get me started on parking…

  5. sheona says:

    Heavy snow today. It happens when there isn’t heavy snow, but it drives me especially freaking well insane when there are bad conditions. I drive along the autobahn. It has 2 lanes. (yes, I know, they invented them and their own are, generally, poop).

    I leave space on my left (UK would be right) so that cars in rush-hour traffic can get onto the autobahn from the sliproad. Or I pull over into the right-hand lane so they can pull on safely. And I always leave a decent (probably slightly more than required) breaking distance, especially in view of the fact that the Autobahn Polizei are giving out fines for not keeping your distance.

    Big fat jeeps undertaking me (into the breaking space the people on the left are keeping, causing them to break) then pulling in front of me causing me to slow AND THEN SLAMMING ON THEIR BREAKS BECAUSE THE TRAFFIC ISN’T GOING AS FAST AS THEY WANT.
    Which is why I was driving at 60kph in a zone with no speed limit. You arse. (and they are more likely to be driving an Audi or BMW SUV type of vehicle these days than anything else)

    They think that just because we all now have to have winter tyres that they are invincible and incapable of sliding all over the road. Well, I have news for them. And it’s all bad.

    oh and… when traffic has to filter in, generally right-minded people use the zip-fastener method and let one car in. And when I do it there is always an Audi zooming up and trying to make me let in a 2nd car. haha – well I drive a bashed up old golf. I don’t care about getting another dint. Bozo.

  6. The Kraken says:

    Whoa! You lot have virtually written another two blog posts for me. I’d forgotten half of that lot. I’ve gone into a sweat now.

  7. Lucy says:

    “you wank-faced toss-beagles”, Cath, m’dear, there are times when I think you could rival Ian Martin (swearing consultant on The Thick of It) for profanity inventiveness…

  8. Hairbear says:

    With apologies to Sheona as this comment is purely about drivers in the UK, but people who can only drive in what is known in my house as ‘the German lane’ i.e. the fast lane reserved purely for drivers of German made cars, god forbid anyone else should venture into that lane driving anything that isn’t a 120000000 horse power penis extension.
    Similarly the fuckwits who will try and push you out of the way when driving on a single lane A road despite being in a massive queue with a lorry at the front, seriously driving me off the road won’t get you there any faster!
    Also most of the people in any Waitrose car park on a weekday, just go and watch for half an hour and you’ll understand….

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