Whoa there, spaff weasels! You see, Kraken Junior’s school has announced that it’s celebrating the end of the summer term with a pirate party, for which Kraken Junior would like to dress as a rum-swilling, sabre-waving, plank-walking blaggard. So far, so shiver me timbers. There’s just been one problem: my search for an eye-patch, sword and Johnny Depp demeanour has made me gawp like a pervert. Tell me, why in the festering staggerment of fuck do fancy dress costumes for women make them look like they want a jolly rogering?
Seriously, kraken-lovers, I had no idea that, when invited to a costume party, women had to dress as if they’re trying to break world records for giving strangers stiffies. In fact, for all of their assertions that they’re replicating superheroes, TV characters and rock stars most female fancy dress costumes make women look like one thing: cock-starved, lollipop-suckers who aren’t going home until they’ve been taken up the kryptonite by Superman in their host’s spare bedroom.
How in the juggling arse-cheeks of Satan’s teddy bear is this happening? I had no idea that rooting through t’web to find an eye-patch for a five year old would become a lesson in sexism. You see, when you check out fancy dress costumes for men you find characters that are muscular, silly, funny or scary but all of them are accurate representations of, say, Rambo or Scooby Doo. Also, invariably the bloke modelling these creations is acting the part by gurning like his character or grinning like he’s having so much fun he’s about to shit out his own kidneys.
Yet when you wander through the fancy dress costumes for women you don’t find Princess Leia or Cleopatra so much as you find as a series of teenage wet dreams. Whoever the character, she’s dressed like she’s gagging for it with the model pouting so hard that you could snag a foot in her blow-job lips. Regardless of who the costume is trying to portray it’ll include a skirt the depth of a cheese string, a neckline like the Marianas Trench, a bare midriff or a silhouette tighter than sausage casing. In fact the costumes have all the accuracy of Iain Duncan Smith trotting out stats in the House of Commons. It’s less like buying a fancy dress costume and more like stock checking at Anne Summers.
Worse, I’m not talking about just sexy nurse outfits here. Shit, no. I’m talking about every type of female costume you can think of. Even nun costumes are cut to make women look like pole dancers. I mean, come on. Nuns are the most unsexy creatures you are ever going to meet. They spend their lives in penance, are married to God and don’t even get the bishop’s go-ahead to rub one out in the shower. Yet translate their wimples into party garb and they make Dita von Teese look like a length of two by four.
And OK, if you want to dress as, I dunno, a sexy Iggle Piggle, you go for it. The problem is that there’s no choice for those women who do not. One fancy dress website, which claims to the biggest in the UK, has pages of costumes for male and female pirates, yet while the men can chose from Captain Cuthroat, Plundering Pirate or Rum Smuggling Pirate women get to chose from High Seas Vixen, High Sea Babe, Mistress Pirate and Aye, Aye Admiral. The soldier section is no better. Men could snap up Camo Commando, American GI and Khaki Camo while women are left with General Mischief, Playboy Bootcamp Babe and Sexy Army Nurse. It’s like waking up in Sid James’ gusset.
It also proves how desperate society is to make women look shaggable even when we’re pretending to be Snorky from the Banana Splits. It’s as if women never actually get a chance to just twat about any more. Instead, even when pretending to be our favourite character from Trumpton, we have to look as if we want to be fucked far more than we want to have fun.
So, when I do finally buy this bloody pirate outfit for Kraken Junior I’ll buy two extra eye-patches, one for each of my peepers because I never want to look at this festering shit again. Oh, and while I’m there I’ll pick up a scabbard to run through anyone who thinks that all of this is “just a bit of fun”. Sexy kraken anyone?