Car Wars

Okay, Right. No, no, I’m alright, really, I just need to get my breath back and pick up my left eyeball which popped out of my head and rolled under the sofa when I read the following twattery and partook of a small embolism. So where was I? Oh yes. I was reading about the Honda Fit ‘She’s', the car that is the equivalent of blaming women for being raped because they dared to leave their kitchens.

You see, this new car, which is only currently available in Japan, thank fuck, has been designed to be “adult cute” according to the idiotic wank-biscuits who came up with it. Not only is it pink on the outside but it is also pink on the inside, which makes it the equivalent of a giant, mobile vagina. Although if you like you can have it in brown or white because – get this – Honda thinks that this will match women’s eyeshadow.┬áThis car is also purported to have a particular type of windscreen which filters out UV rays to prevent wrinkles and it has an AC that treats air to improve the driver’s skin quality. Yup, Honda thinks it has created a car for women.

Well, no. It hasn’t. What it has created is a tribute to the foaming of demon of sexism as played by Jim Davidson and supported by the bloke on the tube who tried to touch your tits. I’d love to know what market research Honda did to believe that it was making a wise investment into industrial sized amounts of pink paint and stitching. Who in the bollocks did they canvass before hitting the start button on the production line? Barbara fucking Cartland?

Honda’s only genius is to only flog this is Japan for now, because if I saw one coming down the road I’d lay in front of the fucker before flinging myself at the patronising windscreen and ripping the headlights off with my teeth. I’d post it back to Honda in tiny, bitten increments while demanding a ransom made up purely of the dignity of my gender.

So, do you think Honda will soon come up with a car called ‘He’s'? I as sure as shit wouldn’t count on it. That’s why I have taken it upon myself to embrace this task on Honda’s behalf, grasping the male stereotype with both paws and creating a car especially for the man about bloody town.

Naturally, it’d be painted blue or black and would have a cock-shaped logo on the bonnet, because men always buy cars that are relevant to their penis size don’t they? The inside would be leather, to match their watch straps, and would contain the following accessories: extra wide pockets for their wank mags, a scratching post for whenever their knackers itch, drink holders to fit beer bottles, storage for footballs and a sat nav narrated by Bernard Manning. Even better, the car would come with a free CD entitled ‘Drive Time: Rock Classics’ (first track, All Right Now by Free) and tinted rear windows so that even with the kids in the back seat they can leer at the liddle laydees while waiting in their cars at traffic lights.

No? Not a goer? Then fuck knows why Honda thinks that the female version will sell. I hope beyond all kraken-hope that it doesn’t. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than seeing a large Japanese crusher chewing up lines of ‘She’s’ like a Hollywood hooker with a raging cocaine problem.

So the next time anyone thinks of coming up with a car ‘for women’ I urge them to put down their pencils (the ones that have lead in them) and create something less laughably patronising. See, women don’t need their own cars. They don’t use their vaginas to start the fucking engines, they use keys like everyone else. And they don’t use their tits to signal left or right either, they use indicators. It’s about time Honda realised that and perhaps it will once it wipes that pink bloody paint out of its eyes.

Am I making a fuss over fuck-all, here? Or am I onto something. Get stuck into that comment box below.

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8 Responses to Car Wars

  1. This post had me creasing up! The car sounds vile and I totally agree with you! And to make it pink is just revolting! However your idea for the ‘he’s’ car would probably sell quite well to be fair!

    • The Kraken says:

      Thank you! And yush, I might have put too much effort into the male version of the car. I know several blokes who’d pay good money for it.

  2. Heather V says:

    I am not ashamed to say that I own the “Drive Time:Rock Classics” CD…

    • The Kraken says:

      So does Martin! For fuck sake, don’t tell Honda about yourr CD though. It’d probably implode at the thought of a woman not adhereing to its grim stereotype.

  3. Sheona says:

    I like drive music – my music of choice for a Monday morning on the Autobahn is Iron Maiden. To relax me…
    so… yes, a car for the Ladeez – sheesh.

    but – please won’t someone design a car with a space for a handbag? So that I don’t chuck my bag on my passenger’s knees and break them (it’s the screwdriver set, I keep meaning to leave it at home but it comes in so darned useful)

    • The Kraken says:

      God, Iron Maiden. That takes me back to my yoof. My choice of drivetime music at the mo is Chase & Status, another reason why Honda has spectacularly fucked up with this heinous car. Surely we should be listening to the Sound of Music soundtrack instead.

  4. Mark chivers says:

    The HONDA FIT is also known as the honda JAZZ in the uk,also available in pink.
    I wont tell Helen if you don’t ;-)

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