Beep Beep

Sterling Moss back in his Mercedes-Benz W196

Aw, bless. You have to take pity on some members of the older generation because they can become so easily confused, don’t you think? Especially the men, I find. In fact not just men but male drivers. Well, male racing drivers actually. Well, OK male racing drivers called Stirling Moss. Oh for God’s sake, Ok then, older, male racing drivers called Stirling Moss who ejaculate sexist blather like perverts rubbing themselves against stolen nanny goats.

See, Moss – whose name rhymes with toss – has been all over the news by bleating about how he thinks women aren’t fit for racing cars. He’s said, “I think they (women) have the strength, but I don’t know if they’ve got the mental aptitude to race hard, wheel-to -wheel. The mental strength, I think, would be pretty difficult for a lady to deal with in a practical fashion. I just don’t think they have the aptitude to win a Formula 1 race.”

Now the only way I get my head around any of this oral turdery is to assume that, after a lifetime around cars, Moss had had his brain poisoned by exhaust fumes. Oh, that and the fact that he is now as relevant to modern racing as the Penny Farthing is to the Tour de France.

Actually, he gives away his staggering inability to understand women at all when he insists on referring to persons of the female persuasion as ladies. I dunno, perhaps he thinks us women are shit racing drivers because we struggle to manoeuvre our crinolines around the gear stick and can’t fit our bottles of smelling salts in the bloody glove compartment.

Which leads me to his inexplicable notion that women are so feeble minded that we barely have the mental capacity to operate a pedal while staring straight ahead. Now, Mr Toad here really does have to be shitting me on this one. If he thinks parping around a one-lane race track in a Red Bull advert is pressure then he as sure as shit hasn’t had to transport 300 passengers through a thunderous storm at 30,000 feet while doing 600mph. Yet that’s what female airplane captains do every day, usually at the same time that their female counterparts are performing brain surgery, storming drug dens and going to war. And all while sporting an active vagina, may I add.

That’s why the Moss Theory, as it will now be known, makes as much sense as washing your face in battery acid. Moss actually thinks that the pressures of driving a fast car are greater than any pressure any woman has ever known. Has the man never heard of childbirth? He clearly as no idea of the amount of mental strength it takes for a woman to see a screeching human head emerge from her conjugal nook without becoming so deranged that she chews her way through her own bed. Big, foaming bollocks to taking a right-hand turn at Silverstone. Instead I’d like to watch Moss’ reaction as the human equivalent of a Thanksgiving turkey squawks its way through his exploded rectum.

Anyway, Moss has never met me. Seriously, I would drive myself off the edge of a cliff in a horse and trap if it meant beating the arse-faced cockwomble who’s revving in the Saxo next to me at the traffic lights. In fact I display such levels of mental aptitude when behind the wheel of my car that I make Neil Armstrong look like a vitamin-deficient monkey punching a cheese grater.

So no, Moss. Just no. You want to bang on about tootling about in your Fiat Punto, you go for it, but leave women’s capability  out of it. Mind you, I will thank Moss for one thing, albeit one thing only. When I see him on the street and deliberately run the fucker over at least I’ll have the defence of lacking mental aptitude. Looks like the guy might have done women a teeny favour after all.

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6 Responses to Beep Beep

  1. Leigh says:

    I think the saddest thing about this, other than that his comments were thought worthy of publishing (thus perpetuating this bullshit attitude) is that I recently discovered his sister Pat Moss was one of the most accomplished women racing drivers – but she gets no mention in any article or any comment (that I’ve seen, aside from this one, anyway). I’d love to know what she would have responded with, were she here today. Although she had probably already ploughed through a plethora of crap like this before she put the key in the ignition so I’d assume she was quite thick-skinned. Shameful that so few people are aware of what she achieved, seemingly including her auld senile get of a brother.

  2. Jenny Lewenstein says:

    i was hoping for some comment from you today on the disgusting farce of a “state” funeral that we are having to endure today. Your comments would be welcome.

  3. Lynchie says:

    Ginger McCain said something similar about women riding in the Grand National a few years ago. Last year a woman jockey came third, this year the same jockey rode one of the favourites, and at some point, a woman will win it. Equally, at some point there will be a female F1 driver too. Simple as that.

  4. Rootietoot says:

    Well bless his heart. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

  5. Andy says:

    I know very little about motor racing but I suggest that Stirling Moss has a word with Danica Patrick

    The only thing women lack in motor racing is opportunity.

  6. sheona says:

    since the cars are so high tech these days that driving one is pushing a button, and seeing as the men who do drive racing cars are a shade taller than a hobbit and thinner than one of treebeard’s toes* I would have thought that racing was one thing that women could attack quite as well as any man with little preparation.

    My male friends tell me, usually white-faced and gripping the dash with white-knuckled terror, that I “drive like a man”. Well. Thanks for nothing.

    It’s the same as all those other glass bottomed things that women are under – a few need to break through and then all the bleating will have to stop. Or we’ll run them all over.

    *sorry, I’m on the annual walz through the Ring Book

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