Category Archives: Parenting

The perils, angst and blind panic of spawning

Mothers’ Ruin

  You know what, kraken-lovers? Since Kraken Junior clawed her way out of my abdomen via my shredded love tunnel I’ve learned a lot about motherhood. I’ve learned that midwives only ever re-stitch vaginas to make them look like tortellini … Continue reading

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Dear Katie Hopkins

Dear Katie Hopkins At the risk of starting this open letter in a less than polite manner I feel compelled to ask you this: will you, for the love of fuck, just shut up? No, really. Shut. Up. Look, you … Continue reading

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Fatty Owls

  Oh for the love of fuck, pass me a paper bag to breathe into will you? See, I’ve had my head betwixt my knees for the last fifteen minutes and I can still feel the oxygen in my lungs … Continue reading

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Royally Fucked

You know those days when you see a headline that is so staggering that you have to check that you’ve taken the right meds? Just in case you really are hallucinating after all? Well I’m having one of those days … Continue reading

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Liar liar

Just in case you hadn’t noticed, kraken-lovers, Christmas will soon be upon us like a shower of wee from a bus-station drunk. And I have to say that as a parent it is testing me to the utter fucking limit. … Continue reading

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